Don’t Blame Dennis

Blame Keeper for your splitting sides…LOL!

 2015-03-28

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The Verve Lucky Man

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Hello. My name is Dennis. Hope it’s okay me just popping up unannounced but I really need a friend right now and you, well let’s just say, you have a kind face. I have a story to share if that’s not too much trouble; I promise I won’t keep you long and appreciate that you may already be hard pushed so I’ll try my level best to give you the short version of events. In the event that I do begin to waffle, just give me a gentle nudge or reminder. It’s just, there aren’t many people I can confide in nowadays; at least not since my run of bad luck started. Right now I’m in an awful pickle but I’ll try not to harp on about my personal woe the whole time. Alas, bad luck tends to follow me about…

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Bones in a Tub

From Scarlet’s Sanctum on RiverofGrue.com

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Suggested Audio Bath Salts:

Samuel BarberAdagio for Strings

Table for One Jack Vettriano

I feel so peaceful at this exact moment in time. I’ve just devoured our favorite meal, London broil, marinated with a zesty peppercorn sauce and cooked to utter perfection.  Surrounded by a sense of fulfillment as I slowly become one with my recliner, I am briefly startled by the chime of the clock.  Lost for but for a solitary second, my grin widens with the realization that this juncture has come, yet again.  That magical hour which breaks up the monotony and allows my soul to simply, breathe.  We all have our own personal little escapes from life now and again, don’t we?

As I mentally run down my to-do list in preparation, I am meticulous in my planning.  Everything down to the most minute of details, must be absolutely perfect, so that I may receive maximum enjoyment.

Gallo-Apothic-Red

I begin gathering…

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Pig

pig_rivers_of_grueSuggested Audio Candy:

Nine Inch NailsMarch of The Pigs

EvolutionOfMan-pig-789071

“So this is it then?”

“I guess so”

“Seven years and you’re really going to throw away everything we have had together on account of me making one mistake?”

“One mistake? You really are deluded aren’t you?”

“Evidently so as I can’t see what I did to you that’s so Godawful”

“And that is why I want you out”

“Why? Because I was honest with you?”

“No Niall. Not because you had an epiphany and decided to come clean. It’s the fact that you saw fit to cheat on me in the first place that irks me most”

“It was a drunken kiss”

“And that makes it alright does it?”

“Of course not. You don’t think I feel like shit?”

“That’s my only consolation”

“I told you, it lasted all of five seconds and I stopped things before they went…

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Breast Intentions

2014-12-11

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Black Oak ArkansasBig Titties (I Want A Woman With)

jamala__s_breasts_by_msgotu-d4jo8ye

“Guess what?”

Thrill me”

“I have the most tremendous breasts”

“Come again”

“I got it done. Finally put my money where my mouth is and went for it”

“Get out of town”

“I would but my tits are too heavy to carry that far”

“You actually did it?”

Uh huh. Last Wednesday. I’m now the proud owner of a pair of voluptuous bosoms”

“and so begins the back pain”

“You’re just jealous”

“I haven’t even seen them yet”

“They’re like a couple of prize winning pumpkins. So, you coming over for a fondle or not?”

“Not I’m afraid”

“Boo hiss”

“Look, I’m sure your new tits are marvelous and more power to you for actually getting them done. While I’m sure your thrilled to have upgraded from dachshund ears to fully-loaded fun bags, I’ve got a ton…

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Halloween: The Witching Hour

Like Tom Adkins? You’ll LOVE This! Keeper Kicks off the Halloween Season with, The Witching Hour. Incredible Dark Fiction, Satirical Black Comedy!

Halloween: The Witching Hour

halloween_iii_fan_poster_by_mrgrumpy07-d31ffe7

Suggested Audio Candy:

John Carpenter & Alan Howarth Halloween III Theme

h3preview

Saturday, October 23 had started out like any other Saturday night at Haddonfield General. The usual eclectic mix of drunks, time-wasters and ominous domestic injuries. Last week a man was admitted with a loafer lodged in his rectum. Despite his insistence that it was just an innocent slip while lathering, we both knew the truth. Since when does that daily rubdown extend to giving your small intestine the old ‘wax on, wax off’? The obligatory x-ray was more akin to carving open Jaws to discern his daily intake. An old boot, rolled up copy of Mad Magazine and the obligatory license plate all shared residency with his internal organs and there was to be no digging himself out of that particular hole. I gave him some creme and sent him packing, then watched as he…

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Frozen Scream

Welcome to your nightmare….Keeper Style

Frozen Scream

scary_face_by_bajanoski-d6egupz

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digital_sleep_by_t00xicpanda-d6jiyf9

Sleeping has always been something of a sore subject with me. As a child I was haunted by reoccurring night terrors and woke up at precisely the same time night after night like cruel clockwork. 2.47 precisely, regardless of what time I have bedded down, these phantasms have continued to plague me. It’s rather regrettable as I wake for shit every morning and would much prefer my alarm call at, say, 6am. Not the dead of night. As a child I would be terrified of slumber as I knew full well I would receive the same visitation night after night, always with the same outcome. Some folk are fortunate enough to awaken with little clue as to what has transpired but not me. My dreams are forever etched into my psyche and bucking the trend has always appeared an implausible notion.

My periodic persecutor is…

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Man or Bandicoot?

From Mr. Bandicoot Himself, aka Keeper

Man or Bandicoot?

crash_bandicoot_by_vvernacatola-d56i6mf

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dark_crash_bandicoot_by_170294-d4ukpbg

There comes a time in every man’s life when he must accept that he may not be the person he thought he was. On the outside everything my well appear fine and dandy, life could be treating you kindly with no cause for concern. Then, out of nowhere whatsoever, a nagging doubt can begin to sneak in and make us question everything we think we believe in. We’re convinced we have it all sewn up, after all, who else could possibly know us better than ourselves right? Then, one visit to the GP later, and your whole world can be thrown into total disarray. I woke up this morning in much the same manner as I have every morning for the past forty years; weary, aching and hungry. It wasn’t until my third spoonful of morning Cheerios that I suddenly couldn’t shake the feeling…

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