Undertow

Climbing the walls ’til my nailbeds bleed

Words on your tongue, only built to deceive.

No energy left to go blow for blow

Secrets exposed, with nowhere to go

No reason to fear, I won’t call your bluff

I truly do think that I’ve had enough

Sorrow coursing steadily through all of my veins

Refusing to let emotion take over the reins

Whatever the outcome I’ll shall rest assured

Being played by you has been fucking absurd

You wormed your way in with pizzaz and a smile

A wolf in sheep’s clothing, well disguised all the while

Always setting your mark and you making your moves

Not giving one fuck about who you lose

Gave you all that I had, but it wasn’t enough

What will you do now that I know all of your stuff

Lies upon lies, hurt swells, then subsides

Lips pursed tight, no one more the wise

Rest that worried mind, your secrets I will keep

Question is though, how did I get in so deep

Searing agony inside, but my feelings I stuff

Realizing that I will never be enough

I kept it so real through thick and through thin

Despite all my pain throbbing deep from within

I wish you no harm, want to see you succeed

I believe in your mission, your hopes and your dreams

No one with a conscience could do what you do

But remember in time, karma always comes due

Everything now, so thoroughly clear

Try all you want, but you can’t be sincere

A suffering soul, projecting self hate

Immeasurable pain, no one else can translate

Let business be business and peasure be pleasure

Giving you support through joint endeavors

No longer will I be your pawn

Should I or shouldn’t I make you gone

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We Grew Up in a Fucking Magical Place

So recently Woodstock has suffered a tremendous loss. Just seeing the outpouring of love and togetherness that I also used to experience in Woodstock growing up is really truly a beautiful thing.  I have seen people pop up that I haven’t heard from in years I took a drive to Cooper Lake today while blasting Blind Faith’s “Can’t find my way home,” and I realized the root of some of my sadness is that I’m constantly trying to recreate isn’t necessarily connected to one soul, but a time, an era and everything that came with it. Our lives were tremendously care free, feel good and “live you life times.”  A time when we all took care of each other, when life was much more simple.  Although I was not ever super close to Matt Robb, we were friends and I definitely recall many days in the band room or orchestra room as I was a violin geek (still am), and at rehearsals and gigs for the band. Amy Flint and Purdey T Darrow were always around Jenn Sirico was usually somewhere… One time you guys played at a party on Sawkill for Oblivion Grin. I had special birthday cake, woke up in the yard the next day. I once smoked a lucky charm out of a homemade bong. I rocked a “Mama Said Knock You Out” ring and drove my first car, the ganjamobile.  We were all just feeling good and being ALIVE and even at 44 years old, I have so many to thank for those times and they are the best memories of my life, so young, so wild and so carefree.
Crazy how we couldn’t wait to grow up, not realizing that at the time that it didn’t get better than it was. Crazy times. But that’s what I think we’re maybe missing in out hearts these days and although I am beyond sad about Matt, I see a lot of people reliving some pretty tremendous memories.  I see unity. I see names popping up from long ago and all of this has sent my brain into memory lane overdrive.  I absolutely adore reading everyone’s memories as I know I’m not the only one that feels the way I do. I feel right at home, like I am. I can feel the love flowing, and it’s a beautiful thing.  I snapped this at Cooper Lake today while reading everyone’s posts, and thinking about Matt, and all of my Onteoran family, reminiscing. It was drizzling when I arrived and then the sun slowly started creeping out into the magnificent sky from behind the clouds and just being there, I felt so much love and such a sense of belonging.  I’d like to think that the sun was Matt peeking out and saying hello to all of us. Like I told Purdey earlier, “we grew up in such a magical fucking place man.” Every morning from now on, I will spend a few moments each day being grateful for the memories and the ones who helped to make them. I will think of memories and bask in their joy. If I see any of you instead of acting shy and not recognizing you because it might be awkward and I have anxiety, I will say hello and highly encourage everyone to do the same with me and each other! Just love each other. We will mourn together and we will heal together. Sending so much love out to everyone!
PS: I started to tag just a few people, but it’s by no means a complete list. Love you guys.

the start of a new journey

The start of a new journey begins with, simply putting one foot in front of the other and walking towards the hurt, the pain that makes you want a new start. waking up in the morning and realizing there is a purpose, a reason! Trying to figure it out will take time, time that nobody thinks they have. You have to just believe in yourself, and have hope! If life ever gets to hard to stand, kneel, just close your eyes and think, im here for a reason there is something out there for me and even You! wpid-images-72.jpg.jpeg

I am

I am the wild
Fragmented shards of broken glass

magnetically recomposed

I am the free

Unexpected outpouring of

expression

passion

showing my most inner self

I am human

Tears of the purest joy

droplets of pain

gather

in a collective muddled river that twists and winds

meandering through life

basking in and absorbing

the rays of the morning sun
feeding, swirling

becoming a homogeneous mixture

I am the healer
Wade in my healing waters

find comfort and solace

as you snuggle

enraptured in my wings

radiating love and strength

So that you may take flight

once again

As I have

The Void

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Not feeling yourself
Nothing seems to fit
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Lost amidst the swirling, churning thoughts within the confines of your own mind

Like a tiny boat being tossed about on a dark, torrid ocean
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Robbed of the ability to connect the
dots…
or even to connect to yourself

Not knowing why

Unable to make sense of anything
Misfiring attempts to process
Lost

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Not wanting to hear, nor able to believe that everything will be fine again

Harsh reality of the ebbs and flows
Frail
Shattered
Listless
Indifferent
Hollow
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I will sit upon the edge of this abyss unobtrusively with you
Feet dangling together
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Never judging
Simply loving
Just being
For however long it may take

Not for a response
For none is needed
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Just giving patience
Support
Belief
and
Love

Just to let you know
I will never give up on you

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I will stand eternally with you and offer belief when you are unable to believe in yourself

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I will never waiver
I will never leave your side
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I will never expect anything in return
I will just be here
Always