That Discomfort You’re Feeling Is Grief

https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief?fbclid=IwAR2NpMe5VtEb1v0XuVmWZkXCiMSIvHeUsInZlKbaStDzEb6PlM3sXUEiHKs

When Love was the Loudest

As part of my newly formed “pandemic” writings page, I will be including random pieces that I find. Today’s was discovered on Facebook and is written by a local teacher in the next county over, Gabby Baker. This struck a particular chord within. Enjoy. Love one another (from a distance). Spread love to NY, we need all we can get.

 

 

 

Light
Looking and listening to birds as we are alone with one another
Terrifying tabulations of what may be to come
Horrified to handshake or hug, “no touching!”
Fear and familiarity as we pass by each other
Ventilate, breathe.
Ventilators breathe maybe two at a time.
Walk alone. My sister and my brother walk along?
Careful don’t want to be a carrier: carrying each other into an unknown
Cancelled, closed, careful, call on people.
Share so more can be there.

Zooming in zooming out just to see faces and familiar places
Free free free but it comes with a fee
Gloved, loved and rise above
Masks masked
Where does this lead?
Is there an end?
Our kids become our students and our students our kids
Two week increments of school day by day
Governors, guidance, and churches closed
Who will remain?
Look for the love

Sewers and sewers with toilet paper commodities for the commode
Everything was, now everyone is essential
Social distance to go the distance
Hope abounds through it all, risking and rewarding with life most precious.

Masked major leaguers in medicine, maintenance, moving, markets and mental health.
Making me a priority
Grocery bills, grocery times, groceries galore
Kindness is more.

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Curb yourself, Curb your Enthusiasm just for a laugh
Nighttime Netflix and no one knows where we are going.
We’re staying in, if there is an inn to stay.
Eldery and infirmed behind glass restricted but to revere, remember, regard, relish, respect.
Look but don’t touch.
Life is worth too much.

But here we are. Hope seeing us for who we can be, without all the hype, hysteria, makeup and masks.
Give gratitude for gifts we may have once taken for granted
Rise up singing like your Italian Grandpa or family of whom you are proudest
In years we can share our story of when love was the loudest.

 

 

Pandemic

I can’t even remember when our lives exactly changed but it sure feels as though it happened overnight. The last few weeks, nothing but a blurred speck in the depths of my memory…will forever live in infamy in the depths of my mind. Marks so indelible, they have scarred skin and tissue for life. I come to you live and raw, on March 28, 2020, from the US Epicenter, NY.

I am all over the map with my emotions lately but first and foremost I’d like to address the sheer exhaustion that I hear about a majority of people absolutely identifying with. Personally, as an individual who battlers anxiety and PTSD on a daily basis, I’m accustomed to living life 24/7, 365 in a flight or fight state of being

Therefore yes, while I am exhausted, I am well aware of why and I feel that I’m seeing a lot of people asking why they are so exhausted. Survival is exhausting peeps. It’s your body’s physiological response to a threat, rather rooted in reality or paranoia, it matters not. You, me, we all, were designed with staunch survival modes built in for lifelong survival optimization. It’s called “hypervigilence,” and I for one, can thank it for keeping me alive.

In times such as during this Corona pandemic, the innate will to survive and the mechanisms it employs can be endlessly tiring. My advice, don’t stress about stressing. What you are feeling, whether on a conscious or subconscious level, IS real and is warranted. Rather than wait and exacerbate it by hinting endlessly for it’s etiology, acknowledge it, accept it, and let…it go…. Know it is what is is, acknowledge it, accept it and set it free. Let your inner voice be your guide. Feeling tired? Take a nap, just go with the flow. It’s okay to feel afraid in these times of certain uncertainty. More to follow soon. Love yourselves and the people you’re quarantined with. You’re all you may have in the coming weeks.

Undertow

Climbing the walls ’til my nailbeds bleed

Words on your tongue, only built to deceive.

No energy left to go blow for blow

Secrets exposed, with nowhere to go

No reason to fear, I won’t call your bluff

I truly do think that I’ve had enough

Sorrow coursing steadily through all of my veins

Refusing to let emotion take over the reins

Whatever the outcome I’ll shall rest assured

Being played by you has been fucking absurd

You wormed your way in with pizzaz and a smile

A wolf in sheep’s clothing, well disguised all the while

Always setting your mark and you making your moves

Not giving one fuck about who you lose

Gave you all that I had, but it wasn’t enough

What will you do now that I know all of your stuff

Lies upon lies, hurt swells, then subsides

Lips pursed tight, no one more the wise

Rest that worried mind, your secrets I will keep

Question is though, how did I get in so deep

Searing agony inside, but my feelings I stuff

Realizing that I will never be enough

I kept it so real through thick and through thin

Despite all my pain throbbing deep from within

I wish you no harm, want to see you succeed

I believe in your mission, your hopes and your dreams

No one with a conscience could do what you do

But remember in time, karma always comes due

Everything now, so thoroughly clear

Try all you want, but you can’t be sincere

A suffering soul, projecting self hate

Immeasurable pain, no one else can translate

Let business be business and peasure be pleasure

Giving you support through joint endeavors

No longer will I be your pawn

Should I or shouldn’t I make you gone

We Grew Up in a Fucking Magical Place

So recently Woodstock has suffered a tremendous loss. Just seeing the outpouring of love and togetherness that I also used to experience in Woodstock growing up is really truly a beautiful thing.  I have seen people pop up that I haven’t heard from in years I took a drive to Cooper Lake today while blasting Blind Faith’s “Can’t find my way home,” and I realized the root of some of my sadness is that I’m constantly trying to recreate isn’t necessarily connected to one soul, but a time, an era and everything that came with it. Our lives were tremendously care free, feel good and “live you life times.”  A time when we all took care of each other, when life was much more simple.  Although I was not ever super close to Matt Robb, we were friends and I definitely recall many days in the band room or orchestra room as I was a violin geek (still am), and at rehearsals and gigs for the band. Amy Flint and Purdey T Darrow were always around Jenn Sirico was usually somewhere… One time you guys played at a party on Sawkill for Oblivion Grin. I had special birthday cake, woke up in the yard the next day. I once smoked a lucky charm out of a homemade bong. I rocked a “Mama Said Knock You Out” ring and drove my first car, the ganjamobile.  We were all just feeling good and being ALIVE and even at 44 years old, I have so many to thank for those times and they are the best memories of my life, so young, so wild and so carefree.
Crazy how we couldn’t wait to grow up, not realizing that at the time that it didn’t get better than it was. Crazy times. But that’s what I think we’re maybe missing in out hearts these days and although I am beyond sad about Matt, I see a lot of people reliving some pretty tremendous memories.  I see unity. I see names popping up from long ago and all of this has sent my brain into memory lane overdrive.  I absolutely adore reading everyone’s memories as I know I’m not the only one that feels the way I do. I feel right at home, like I am. I can feel the love flowing, and it’s a beautiful thing.  I snapped this at Cooper Lake today while reading everyone’s posts, and thinking about Matt, and all of my Onteoran family, reminiscing. It was drizzling when I arrived and then the sun slowly started creeping out into the magnificent sky from behind the clouds and just being there, I felt so much love and such a sense of belonging.  I’d like to think that the sun was Matt peeking out and saying hello to all of us. Like I told Purdey earlier, “we grew up in such a magical fucking place man.” Every morning from now on, I will spend a few moments each day being grateful for the memories and the ones who helped to make them. I will think of memories and bask in their joy. If I see any of you instead of acting shy and not recognizing you because it might be awkward and I have anxiety, I will say hello and highly encourage everyone to do the same with me and each other! Just love each other. We will mourn together and we will heal together. Sending so much love out to everyone!
PS: I started to tag just a few people, but it’s by no means a complete list. Love you guys.

the start of a new journey

The start of a new journey begins with, simply putting one foot in front of the other and walking towards the hurt, the pain that makes you want a new start. waking up in the morning and realizing there is a purpose, a reason! Trying to figure it out will take time, time that nobody thinks they have. You have to just believe in yourself, and have hope! If life ever gets to hard to stand, kneel, just close your eyes and think, im here for a reason there is something out there for me and even You! wpid-images-72.jpg.jpeg

I am

I am the wild
Fragmented shards of broken glass

magnetically recomposed

I am the free

Unexpected outpouring of

expression

passion

showing my most inner self

I am human

Tears of the purest joy

droplets of pain

gather

in a collective muddled river that twists and winds

meandering through life

basking in and absorbing

the rays of the morning sun
feeding, swirling

becoming a homogeneous mixture

I am the healer
Wade in my healing waters

find comfort and solace

as you snuggle

enraptured in my wings

radiating love and strength

So that you may take flight

once again

As I have